Daikaijuzine

They’d been circling the neighborhood in the pounding rain for half an hour before Kevin slammed on the brakes, sending the car to a jerking halt.

“What the hell are you doing?” Elaine yelled as she ripped her hands off the dashboard. Her witch’s hat had flown off and landed in the back seat.

“I saw a spot and I’m taking it,” Kevin said before jamming the car into reverse, backing up, twisting the wheel to the right, and gunning the engine. They lurched into the parking space, slamming to a halt with the squeal of metal on metal.

“You just knocked over that sign!” Elaine threw her hands over her mouth. “What’s wrong with you? Are you trying to kill us?”

“Oh, settle down.” Kevin switched off the engine and doused the headlights. “You’re wearing your seatbelt.”

Elaine shook her head. “Look, it’s not my fault you got lost.”

“I didn’t get lost.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Kevin, you took us to West Haverford. I told you ten times we wanted East Haverford.”

“You’re wrong.”

“I’m not wrong. If you’d let me drive we would’ve gotten here on time. But you said you didn’t want me damaging your precious–”

“Elaine, stop.” He glared at her. “You’re dead wrong.”

Elaine returned his gaze and remained silent.

“We’ll talk about it later, okay?”

“Fine.”

“Fine. Hand me the umbrella.”

She located the folded bundle and slapped it into his hand. “Your sword, my liege.”

“Thanks.” He removed the key from the ignition. Fumbling with the umbrella, he grabbed the door handle.

“Hold on.” Elaine placed a hand on his shoulder and stared through the rain-streaked windshield. “Are you sure this is a legal spot?”

“It’s got pavement and lines, doesn’t it?”

“I think this is the city morgue. What if this spot is reserved for hearses?”

“Come on, Elaine. Who’s going to drive a hearse in weather like this?”

“But what was that sign you knocked over? Maybe this is a handicapped spot.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He opened the door. “It’s probably a 2 hour parking spot. It’s after hours and I’m not driving around any more.”

“I don’t know…”

Kevin’s face reddened. “Look, I’ll check when we get out of the car, all right?”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” Aiming the umbrella out the door, he popped it open. He paused. “Do you think you can run fast enough that you won’t get too wet?”

Her eyes narrowed. “How about you walk around and get me, Prince Valiant?”

“Needy bitch,” he said under his breath as he climbed out of the car.

“What did you say?”

“I said I need to itch,” he shouted. “These pants have too much starch.”

“You’re the one who wanted to dress as James Bond. I told you a tuxedo was a bad idea in this weather.”

“I’m going to look like an idiot, scratching every two minutes.”

“Well, maybe you should have thought of that before–”

“Just stop.” He poked his head inside. “You’re dead wrong, okay?”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” He slammed the door and pulled his jacket tight around him as the wind blew the rain under the umbrella and into his face. Cursing, he trudged toward the front of the car. He’d just reached the bumper when he stepped into a puddle the size of a wading pool.

“Dammit!” He bent over to check his pants but it was too dark to see. “Just great.” Sloshing through the puddle to the front the car, he took three more steps before something metal smashed into his ankle. “Goddammit!” Bobbling the umbrella while hopping on his other foot, Kevin tried to rub his ankle with his free hand. Elaine stared back at him through the windshield.

“Turn on the headlights,” he yelled.

Cupping her hand by her ear, she shook her head.

“Headlights!” He exaggerated each syllable.

Again she shook her head.

“Roll down the windows!” He made a spinning motion with his hand.

Holding up her own hand, she made a twisting motion and then pointed at him.

Oh right. He had the keys. Power windows. Cursing again, he pointed at the passenger side and made a pulling motion. “Open the door!”

After a moment, she cracked open the passenger door. The tiny ceiling light activated, casting a dim glow through the windshield–not enough to see what he tripped over, but enough that he could maneuver around it.

“Forget it,” he said. “I can’t see squat out here.”

“Hold on,” she shouted back. “I’ll turn on the headlights.”

“Yeah, great idea,” he muttered.

Crouching, he felt around in the darkness. His fingers brushed against something cold and metal, what he guessed to be the sign post. He’d slid his hand halfway up when the darkness exploded around him. Covering his eyes with his hand, he shouted, “A little warning next time? Turn off the high beams!”

Her voice was muffled. She was probably groping around for the right knob. And she wondered why he didn’t want her messing with his car. Leaning so he could see inside, he reached back with his free hand and planted it in the middle of a mushy lump.

“Please, no,” he moaned. “Please tell me that’s not what I think it is.” Withdrawing his hand, he held it up to his nose. The stench made his stomach roil. “Oh, just what I needed.”

After plunging his hand into a puddle, he wiped it on the pole. Gnashing his teeth, he jumped to his feet and slipped, falling backward, pin-wheeling his arms. His fall was broken by a pair of hands under his armpits.

“I thought you were going to wait in the car,” he said as he found secure footing. The rain splattered on his forehead. “Dammit! I dropped the umbrella. Now we’ll both be soaked. This is your fault, Elaine. I didn’t want to go to this Halloween party anyway.”

He was about to bend down to search for the umbrella when he realized Elaine’s hands were still gripping his sides. “You can let go now.” The fetid odor drifted to his nostrils. “Did you step in that crap, too? We’re going to smell like a bus station urinal.” He reached up to pry Elaine’s fingers off his chest. “Come on, we don’t have time for this. I know you can’t keep your hands off me but–Elaine, put on some gloves!” Her fingers were like hot dogs left in the freezer too long and then halfway defrosted on the kitchen counter. “It’s not even that cold out. What the hell did–” He stopped as his fingertips brushed against something hard and dry. Her wedding ring? No. Wrong hand. And this was longer than a ring. Almost like a chicken bone.

Honk, honk!

Kevin peered through the windshield. Elaine was inside, waving, her eyes wide. She pointed behind him. Kevin turned his head further over his shoulder until he could see whose arms were around him.

One eye stared back at him. Where the other eye should have been was an empty socket.

“Shit!” Kevin shouted and pulled away, smashing his other ankle against the sign post and falling onto his back with a thud. The thing stared down at him.

Chunks of flesh fell away from its bones. One side of its head was bald, while the other was draped with gnarled locks that hung like threads from an old mop. Rusted scraps of armor covered most of its torso. It opened its mouth and a half-eaten tongue lolled around between rotting teeth. A deep, keening wail rose from its throat.

Kevin skittered backward on his hands and heels. The creature roared again, flailing its arms around. It started toward Kevin. Spinning on his heels, Kevin scrambled to the passenger side and dove inside, landing on Elaine’s lap.

“Hey!” she said. “What are you doing?”

“Move over. Move, move, move!” Before Elaine could slide all the way into the driver’s seat, Kevin twisted around and slammed the door behind him. He panted and wiped mud off his forehead.

“What was that thing?” Elaine squinted through the windshield. “And where did it go?”

“I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.”

“Kevin, calm down,” she said as if talking to a child. “Stay with me.”

“Didn’t you see it?” His eyes bugged out and his jaw hung slack, making him look like a startled tree frog. “It tried to kill me!”

“I don’t know about that. It didn’t really look like it wanted to hurt you.”

“Are you kidding me? It’s a frigging monster.”

“It looked like it was trying to talk to you.”

“Yeah, it was saying ‘I want to eat your brains.’”

“Oh, now you’re just being obtuse.”

“I am not. You’re dead wrong, Elaine.” He glanced outside. “Just get us the hell out of here before it comes back.”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean, you can’t?”

“You still have the keys.”

“Oh. Oh, right.” Stuffing his hand into his pocket, he fumbled around until he located the keys. As he pulled them out, the passenger door thudded with a sound like slabs of meat falling on a metal floor. Startled, Kevin dropped the keys. He glanced to the right and saw the decomposing face pressed against the window, its mouth moving, its fist pounding on the roof.

Kevin covered his head with his hands and rocked back and forth. “We’re going to die, we’re going to die.”

“Kevin!” Elaine grabbed his shoulder. “Snap out of it!”

Peeking under his arm, he found Elaine giving him a stern look.

“It’s not attacking,” she said. “Look.”

Slowly, he turned back to the window. The creature had one hand shading its eyes, the other hand waving back and forth. Its mouth continued to twist while it uttered a growling wail.

“What’s it doing?” he said.

“It’s trying to tell us something.”

“That it wants us out of the car so it can eat us?”

“It’s not going to eat us, Kevin.” Elaine glanced in the rear view mirror. “Did you know there’s a car behind us?”

Kevin twisted around in his seat. He could make out the headlights through the rear window. “Thank God. Someone’s come to save us.”

“They’re just sitting there.”

“Oh, no,” Kevin said as he noticed the creature was gone. “It must be eating them first. Once it’s done with them it’ll come back for us.”

“Kevin.”

“We have to get out of here.” He bent over and searched for the keys. “Come on. They have to be here somewhere.”

“Kevin.”

“Quiet, Elaine. Let me think.”

“Kevin!”

“What?” Kevin snapped his head up and glared at her.

“Look.” She jerked her chin at the windshield.

Outside, the creature had tilted the sign upright and twisted it to face them. One bony finger underlined the words.

No Live Parking

Kevin glanced at the creature’s face. Its lips drew back in a snarl and it tilted its head. Its lone eye narrowed.

“Kevin.”

Blinking, Kevin turned to Elaine.

“Find the keys. Now.”

After a moment of processing, Kevin said, “Yeah. Okay.” It took another minute to locate the key ring and hand it to Elaine.

“Right.” She snatched it away, located the correct key, and stuffed it into the ignition. Giving the engine an extra rev, she shifted into reverse and backed the car into the street. As she turned, she pulled alongside the other car.

Glowering from the driver’s seat was another creature, fleshier than the first but missing an ear. It wore a pirate’s hat and a fake parrot perched on its shoulder. Though it lacked an upper lip, its sneer was evident.

“Say you’re sorry, Kevin.”

Kevin looked like he’d been slapped.

“Now, Kevin.”

He turned to the other driver. “Sorry.”

The creature shook its head and pulled into the parking space.

“Next time,” Elaine said as they drove away. “I’m driving.”